Today I decided to really clean my bedroom and closet - "spring cleaning" in late summer.
I dusted, cleaned under my bed, washed windows and blinds and tackled my closet.
In the top of my closet is a box.
In this box are what could have beens.
A butterfly blanket.
Onezies that say " I love Mommy" & "I am going to Grandma's"
A teddy bear.
A few newborn outfits.
These were the things we bought for our sweet Chloe. Things she will never wear, never play with or never use. But these "things" are everything to us. Today though, they overwhelmed me with grief.
Not only do I miss the could have been but I am angry with myself that I didn't take more photo's and I took a lot of photo's.
I am angry I didn't think to video the 7 days she was with us.
I am deeply saddened that because of her fragile body, we were not able to hold her. Until the day I die that will overwhelm me. Today, almost 5 years after my beautiful grandchild went to heaven I cannot breathe because I decided to clean my closet.
I miss you angel.